Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
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He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize