I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
