its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think I have vodka in my lungs
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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