I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
