I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
as a side note pls kill me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
