Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
