why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
