Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
