feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
