Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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