i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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