I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
