3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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