I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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