literally had 100 drinks last night.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
