I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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