you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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