i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
