Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
