She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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