I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
