3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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