I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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