fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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