I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
