I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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