Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
