i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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