my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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