Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
