I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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