hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
