I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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