If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.