bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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