Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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