Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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