I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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