Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
