I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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