im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
