i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
