Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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