The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
