god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
