Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
