The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
