Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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