He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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