How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
