she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
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I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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