I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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