I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
