yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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